Sadness seeps so sweetly
Darkness is softly familiar
Cold, damp, and deep
Sadness becomes sustenance
Darkness becomes home
Any other way to live is forgotten
Change brings fearful future
The bars of the cage inside
To be viewed as windows
Escape is only a temporary vacation
Give me love when the moon hangs bright in the dark sky,
Give me affection when the sun shines through the shaded trees,
Give me warmth when the lightning lights up a dark night,
Give me strength when the clouds cast the world in shadow,
Give me you in all your tattered glory,
And I will be yours, ever more
Why does death come for those who are the best of us?
Does he think of us as apples, reaping the perfectly ripe and leaving the rest to rot?
Why does he take those with such promise? The healers, the saviors, the heroes.
Grief is love unspoken. Grief is guilt for moments taken advantage of. Grief is the hell the living are left in as the dead pass on to greater things.
All I really want to know is,
Why do the good die young?
How cam a person be so happy. And yet so very sad at the same time?
The last year has been one of the most influential years of my life since 1999. I am so different from who I was a year ago in almost too many ways to count and many I’m sure I’m not even aware of.
I found my forever, my eternal love, Mo Anam Cara, the love of my lives.
I also found a new level to my mental illness.
I’ve grown more than I could ever have imagined I had left to grow and realize now just how much further I can go in some ways.
I lost the ability to enjoy life.
I found parts of me I thought long lost. But I also lost parts I thought I couldn’t lose.
In so many ways I am happier than I have ever been, or I would be were it not for this dark passenger in my mind.
Radical acceptance is driving me to madness, for how can you embrace the dark with out becoming it?
I don’t know what the next years may bring, I’m not even going to try to guess. I’m just going to do my best to survive, to love at every turn, to try not to hate myself…
Most days I feel like I’m being pulled apart from the inside. I love so much of my life, and yet despise myself with such passion.
All I want to know is this,
How can I be so happy, and so sad, at the same time?
Can we go back to the 90s, before the world went crazy. When life was simpler and full of…. life? Back when all the people we’ve lost were still here, and tomorrow was a given. When families ate together and the best moms were called Mom by everyone. When you hung out at the mall even if you hated shopping because you just did.
Back before we were afraid to let our children out the front door, because it’s too risky. Before anxiety and depression stole all the joy from life. Before the bleakness of the future really set in. Before Hope became hopeless…